Food Bytes: Ten Commandments For The Fine Dining Restaurant

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Image: myspace.com/wackywaiter
Image: myspace.com/wackywaiter
Image: myspace.com/wackywaiter

Don’t we all just hate an arrogant server with a patronizing holier-than-thou attitude or a fine dining establishment that refuses to ‘walk their expensive talk’? Well, these ten commandments will hopefully set them straight!

Ten Commandments For The Fine Dining Restaurant

1. Not to sound like some crusty old headmaster or anything, but the spellings and grammar in thy menu card shall not read like the handiwork of a dyslexic pre-schooler. Don’t ever make me wonder what naughty pranks the ‘caned’ juices are guilty of, to deserve such corporeal chastising!

2. And while I’m on the subject of menu cards, don’t treat thine like some long lost doppelgänger of the Dead Sea Scrolls by spiriting them off the minute I’ve placed my order. If I wish to bogart them all evening trust that I have a damn good reason and quit looking at me like I’ve gone batty when I insist on doing so.

3. Is thy house water (by the way, which by law is required to be purified!) so unfit for human consumption that thou refuses to give up the relentless sales pitch trying to con me into buying that Rs 367.54 or some-other-such-ridiculous-amount per litre bottled phoren alpine glacier water? Uber uncool, I hiss.

4. Don’t automatically presume that I like my steak done desi style. Read: incinerated beyond recognition. Ask me for my preference of rare, medium or well-done (I’m not even getting into the grey territory realm of sub-variants like medium-rare and medium-well!) and I’ll bless thy future generations with all my heart.

Image: myspace.com/wackywaiter
Image: myspace.com/wackywaiter

5. Thy wait staff will be adequately well-groomed and sufficiently informed about the menu. And while they’re at it they might want to trim those fingernails regularly. They serve us with their hands remember? As much as we’d like to be, unfortunately, we’re not the Queen to have gloved servers 24X7!

6. Thou will know thy cutlery/crockery and their rightful place on the table with Kafka-esque precision. Ergo, NO, I will NOT use a butter knife to savagely saw through my Rs 1,250 Filet Mignon, thank you very much.
P.S. And shred those paper napkins rapido. Thou are not a college canteen.

7. Thou will not take thy diners for granted, insult their intelligence or worse still, abuse the integrity of a classic dish by plying us with bastardized versions to “suit the Indian diner demographic”. I’m happy to gloat that most of us can safely see that the spicy, Kashmiri chilly-redolent Goa sausage lurking in thy version of paella is as close to a smoky Spanish chorizo as Varca is to Valencia.

8. If thou insists on me filling up those pesky feedback cards after my meal and thou sees me studiously spending my precious time doing just that, at least make sure to follow up on those comments and suggestions when I come dining the next time. And do try and stifle the urge to tell me to shove my comments up my… erm, where the sun ceases to shine, once thou has read them in front of me!!

Image: lolabrigada.wordpress
Image: lolabrigada.wordpress

9. God forbid if I’m ever found dining at thy restaurant with I, me and myself for company, spare me the patronizing looks and don’t banish me to a table in the boondocks equivalent of thy establishment i.e. just outside the kitchen door. And pray, please clear away the extra place mats, cutlery and table settings from my table. Lest other diners assume that I was stood up… or worse, that I am on a date with my imaginary friend!

10. Thou will resist giving into uncontrollable hyperbolic hysteria when describing thy dishes. Case in point ‘Succulent Goujons of Spring Chicken on a bed of Wild Farm Rice’. Now, I strongly suspect that the ‘spring’ chicken was inching more towards the autumn of his sorry life, before he was introduced by thy chef to the ‘wild farm’ rice that I’m sure had a wild time thanks to all those genetic modifications it was subjected to by its MNC producer in a petri dish!

‘Nuff said.

Post By Raul Dias (102 Posts)

Lists travel, food and luxury as the tantalizing trifecta that defines him. When he’s not travelling, eating or getting pampered at a spa, you'll find him assaulting his notebook's keyboard with a feral vengeance, churning out what he hopes are intelligent, informative and entertaining stories.

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Raul Dias

Raul Dias
Lists travel, food and luxury as the tantalizing trifecta that defines him. When he’s not travelling, eating or getting pampered at a spa, you'll find him assaulting his notebook's keyboard with a feral vengeance, churning out what he hopes are intelligent, informative and entertaining stories.