[NSFW] Adventures In Bachelorette Party Planning: Everything You Wanted To Know But Were Afraid To Ask

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A wedding signifies the joining of two hearts that will continue to beat as one until the end of time. But before that all that mushy crap comes a booze-filled, ostentatious bachelorette party that marks the end of a girl’s singledo(o)m. Read on to know how to plan one that she won’t ever forget.

The ‘Entertainment’
No bachelorette party is complete without some ‘entertainment’. And no, we’re not talking about a high tea party with scones and clotted cream (unless your bridal party forms the cast of ‘Downton Abbey’). Unfortunately, in terms of bachelorette ‘entertainment’, there’s not much of a variety to choose from. Because we’re in India, stuff like this is tut-tutted upon and therefore carried out with covertness akin to Operation Geronimo. So how does one zero in on this ‘entertainment’? Definitely NOT the way an acquaintance did i.e. by calling Just Dial. Details about the ‘entertainment’ are passed on only by word-of-mouth, so keep your ear to the ground.

The 'Entertainment'
Ivan Stripperov – The ‘Entertainment’

You can choose for your bridal party to be reprimanded by a law enforcement officer, ravaged by an untamed loin-cloth wearing jungle beast, or relished by a top-hat sporting fancy-pants. The choice however, is so limited when it comes to ‘entertainers’, that every bachelorette party this writer has been to or even heard about, has used the very same ‘entertainer’. For the sake of maintaining the anonymity of everyone in this post, let’s call him Ivan Stripperov.

Ivan may not have the moves like Jagger, but he has a portable boombox, a pen drive with his tunes and props…so many props. Ivan pays extra attention to the bride-to-be, but no one in the room is spared from his ‘skills’. While he is a professional, he seems to have a curious case of the ‘Russian hands and Roman fingers’ syndrome, so you might want to keep some mace handy.

The downside is (and this is pretty cringe-worthy stuff so consider yourselves warned) that Ivan is in desperate need of some ‘landscaping’. While that isn’t a problem if there is a safe distance between you and the lack of landscaping, in close proximity (which is inevitable in a bachelorette party setup), it makes Nightmare on Elm Street seem like Sesame Street.

The truth is that Ivan has been busting out his moves for over 15 years now (you do the math) and it’s time that he hangs up his thong already. But until he is still in business, you better keep those notes ready and prepare yourself some bumping and grinding action that you’ll never be able to un-see – not for as long as you live.

The Venue
Considering you go with the above ‘entertainment’, you’re going to want to organise a venue that’s a bit more private. A club or pub, even if you book the entire place, should not be an option. Firstly because in the day and age of the SmartPhone, you never know who is recording some incriminating evidence and secondly, with the moral police patrolling the streets of Mumbai, you don’t want to risk being busted and hauled into the slammer. What works best is a hotel room, or a private residence.

If you’re choosing a private residence, do make sure that you’re the only ones present in the apartment at the time. A bridesmaid insisted on moving the bachelorette party to her place, ‘entertainment’ and all, after the pub it was being organised in, revoked their policy when they saw Ivan Stripperov’s moves. What she failed to mention was that her parents were asleep in the next room and on hearing the commotion, they walked in, just in time to see their little princess stick a 500 buck note in Ivan’s thong with her teeth to the soundtrack of ‘It’s Raining Men’. #awkward.

Forget Candles, Blow Me!
Forget Candles, Blow Me!

The Cake
There’s nothing like a phallic-shaped cake to tell the bride-to-be how special she is. This is where Just Dial does come in. Call them and ask for ’novelty cakes’. They know the drill.  These cakes are available in every flavour imaginable and their designs range from mildly embarrassing to ‘please-god-pummel-me-with-enough-booze-so-that-I-can-get-through-this-with-my-dignity-intact.’ Every bachelorette party this writer has been to has gone with the latter.

Just make sure that if you’re having a destination bachelorette party and are flying to and fro, your troupe polishes off all the evidence of the cake and don’t carry some of it back home as a memento. An unsuspecting bridesmaid’s bag was being put through the security scanner and let’s just say, that the decapitated fondant female hand that was originally clutching onto something pretty suspect, drew a lot of undue attention from the curious folk at GoAir.

Shot Glasses
Dr. Pecker’s Shot Glasses

The Decorations
When it comes to the decorations, the raunchier the better. After all, the single-point focus of any bachelorette party is to embarrass the crap out of the bride-to-be. Condom balloons, slutty lingerie, phallic-shaped straws, oh my!

Places to visit are Party Hunterz and Madcaps – The Party Shop, both in Bandra. These two places have pretty much everything you’ll need – tiaras, sashes, badges, furry handcuffs, party games, shot glasses, and more. But most of the stuff they have on display is pretty kosher and kind of cutesy.

If you want the REALLY eyebrow-raising items, you have to do a little ‘wink-nod’ thing to the girl at the counter of Party Hunterz. A store attendant will exert the clandestine of Jesse Pinkman selling crystal blue and take you to a dingy back room where there are items that will make you want to pull out your hand sanitizer and pour it all over your body, then rush home to take 4 consecutive showers and follow it up by anointing yourself with holy water.

If you are brave enough to ring that stuff up at the cash counter, and more importantly, if you have a bride-to-be who is sporting enough to try it, you will have a bachelorette party that will forever be etched in your memory…forever…and ever… *shudder*

The Activities
If you’re not going with the ‘entertainment’, you have to find a way to make the bride-to-be’s night super fun. There are tons of things you can do like organise a scavenger hunt with clues leading to raunchy presents, participate in games like “never have I ever’, and play a bachelorette party equivalent of ‘Pin the Tail on the Donkey’ (we know you know what we mean).

Just make sure someone in the bachelorette party is sober enough to deal with an emergency, if the need arises. A bride-to-be had to play a game where she was handcuffed and a bridesmaid ended up flushing the only key down the toilet in her drunken stupor. It was not a fun scene to deal with the snickering ‘chaabiwalla-in-shining-armour’ who showed up (also thanks to Just Dial) at 12 a.m. to rescue to bride-to-be from her furry confines.

To wind up, all we’ll say is that what happens at the bachelorette party, stays at the bachelorette party. Except if you’re writing an article about bachelorette parties…

Post By Amanda Ferrao (25 Posts)

Escaped the big bad world of advertising after being held hostage for 10 years. Consecutively developed Stockholm Syndrome and guiltily tries to justify its awesomeness. Sarcasm-enthusiast. Recovering online shopping addict. Self-proclaimed crazy cat lady. Will write for shoes.

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Amanda Ferrao

Amanda Ferrao
Escaped the big bad world of advertising after being held hostage for 10 years. Consecutively developed Stockholm Syndrome and guiltily tries to justify its awesomeness. Sarcasm-enthusiast. Recovering online shopping addict. Self-proclaimed crazy cat lady. Will write for shoes.
  • shaft_drive

    nicely done. yeah, i do need to work out a bit more 😀

  • Meg

    This article taught me nothing new. In using big words to cover up the meaning of sexual words, it just confuses the reader and does not provide the reader with any information. I think you should change the title of this post as , it just left me with the same questions I started with and gave me no new information about bachelorette parties!

    • Amanda Ferrao

      Aww Meg, don’t be bitter. Would you like me to provide you with Ivan Stripperov’s phone number?

      • Pooja

        I need the number for a friends bachelorette! Please help. PLEASE!

        • Amanda Ferrao

          Hi Pooja, follow me on Twitter and I’ll DM the number to you.

      • fame

        Hey i need the number super urgent

  • zoya

    Hi,

    I started it up i mumbai at my hostel and now I am making working a s a coordinator for other bachelorettes and have both the males and females needing them. any of the clients in need may mail me in confidence at- [email protected]

    regards,

    z

    • fame

      Hey can u provide me the number of the Ivan? I have frnds bachelorette in 2 days time. Pls

  • Priyamvda Zena

    Bachelorette Parties are celebrated with total fun if the planers are really well versed in it.
    Here I find my friend Zoya’s posts and her Rediff ID which no longer works. But girls have been asking other girls about it secretly keeping it a hush hush mater so I may advise of Evisers which can be located at http://www.himhishot.com which we have been using in our group.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/4663158c5fd6553d63fda49cf39649041cf728a32abb3f73027b80a77cc1a183.jpg