#OMGLOLWTF: Questionable Indian Confectionery From The 80s And 90s We Loved As Kids

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The 80s and 90s were a simpler time for children, when our choices on TV were between ‘amchi maati amchi manas’ and ‘Buniyaad’, our toys were stainless steel cooking sets and bat-ball, our parents could beat the shit out of us for backtalk, and Toblerone, brought by relatives from the foreign, was only reserved for special occasions like birthdays and the invention of the space-time continuum. We weren’t spoilt for choice, no matter how you looked at it. And most of that is because we didn’t know any better.

Take our sweeties for example. They were an integral part of our lives. They were used as treats for doing homework on time, as incentives to get out of the house when mom and dad wanted some ‘alone time’ (*blech* must not think about that too much), and were proudly dished out to school friends on birthdays with prowess of the Peace Corps donating supplies to a flood-stricken village. But have you looked individually at the confectionery that we loved; like really looked at it? Let’s do that right now.

Kismi Toffee Bar

Kismi Toffee Bar
Kismi Toffee Bar, Image Courtesy http://www.youngisthan.in

Ok, whoever came up with that name? Why the hell would you name a candybar ‘Kismi’? Wrong on so many levels. Case in point, little girl goes to the local baniya and says, “Aye uncal, Kismi?  Pedobear would be proud.

Mr. Pops Lollipop

pedopops
Mr. Pops Image Courtesy http://blogintomystery.files.wordpress.com

‘nuff said. I can’t even begin to illustrate how many things are wrong with that body copy. I think Mr. Pops and Pedobear were chuddie-buddies. And I’m sure Pedobear came up with that tagline too. I don’t think Mr. Pops- the primate got the memo, that offering kids a ‘long-licking lolly’ is grounds for incarceration.

Fatafat

Fatafat
Fatafat – Image Courtesy -http://rekhadhyani.files.wordpress.com

More like Fart-a-Fart. According to the pack, these goat-poop lookalike digestive candies were the ‘winners of a gold medal’. Yeah, the Olympic Gold Medal for inducing the most thermonuclear farts known to mankind. A handful of these bad-boys made you the coronated leper king of the group, ostracised from society for your anal acoustics. Not cool, Fatafat, not cool.

Phantom Cigarettes 

Phantom Cigarettes
Phantom Cigarettes, Image Courtesy http://3.bp.blogspot.com/

Phantom Cigarettes – encouraging kids to simulate smoking since 1970. Of course parents, please stick a candy cigarette in your 10-year old’s mouth; no harm, no foul. People who grew up in the 80s and 90s still remember the jingle ‘with a cigarette in my hand, I feel like a man’, but totally missed the point at the time, that it was to illustrate an anti-smoking campaign. The jingle always formed the background score when a kid strutted around puffing away on a Phantom cigarette saying ‘booyah, bitches’!

Poppins

Poppins
Poppins Image Courtesy – http://s1.zopnow.com

Poppins were awesome, except for two things – there used to be only one grape-flavoured one in the whole damn pack, and they had a tendency to get lodged down your throat. Poppins should have come with an instruction manual on how to perform the Heimlich manoeuvre. Many kids boasted of a couple of near-death experiences, thanks to these pint-sized choking-hazards. But resilient as we were back then, we’d spit the damn thing out, shake it off and ‘poppin’ another one. Like a boss.

Fusen Gum 

Fusen Gum
Fusen Gum Image Courtesy – www.pinterest.com

Let’s be honest, everyone bought Fusen gum for the badass tattoos, despite the fact that the little bastards almost never ‘fused’ on to your skin. Even if you followed the ‘Mandarin-translated-into-English’ instructions to the T, the pink would inadvertently run into the blue to make purple and you’d end up looking like the bruised victim of a domestic abuse dispute.

Nutties 

Nutties
Nutties Image Courtesy http://www.indiangiftsportal.com/

Yes please Cadburys, I’d totally love a candy that’s named after cojones. It doesn’t help that they’re shaped like that as well. All said and done, they were very very ‘testy’.

Dubious Ice Lollies

Dubious Ice Lollies
Dubious Ice Lollies, Image Courtesy – http://2.bp.blogspot.com/

These were super refreshing on a hot summer’s day when your mom kicked you out of the house in the afternoon because she wanted to take a nap. What was NOT cool however was how easily they would make you shart your pants, if your delicate stomach couldn’t take the un-boiled/unfiltered water and the plastic casing that you had to rip off with your teeth and would inadvertently ingest. Again, grounds for imminent ostracism from the group, because who wants to hang out with a poopy-pants?

Do you guys remember any other questionable products that we used back in the day? Share share share.

Post By Amanda Ferrao (25 Posts)

Escaped the big bad world of advertising after being held hostage for 10 years. Consecutively developed Stockholm Syndrome and guiltily tries to justify its awesomeness. Sarcasm-enthusiast. Recovering online shopping addict. Self-proclaimed crazy cat lady. Will write for shoes.

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Amanda Ferrao

Amanda Ferrao
Escaped the big bad world of advertising after being held hostage for 10 years. Consecutively developed Stockholm Syndrome and guiltily tries to justify its awesomeness. Sarcasm-enthusiast. Recovering online shopping addict. Self-proclaimed crazy cat lady. Will write for shoes.
  • SMariseP

    Hahaahah Amazing… Nutties were my favorite… Now I question myself!

    • Amanda Ferrao

      Don’t feel too bad about it. The 80s and 90s were a really confusing time. We used to sing Govinda songs about pigeons humping.

      • Deep Shah

        hahaha

  • bwahahahahaha…Mr pops lollipops. Just made me tongue tied. didn’t knew about it. but this is nostalgia awesomeness as usual Amanda. 🙂
    even thou not questionable names few other brands which i remembered because of this article is swad, hajmola, chutter mutter, ravalgaon with their Pan Pasand (javed jafferi TVC) and Mango mood and there was this chewing gum called Chiclets.

    • Amanda Ferrao

      Mango Mood had that creepy talking mango face, no? That commercial used to scare me as a child. I still can’t look at mangoes the same way…

  • Giri

    Mandy!! Superb… Superb… Almost died laughing…

    • Amanda Ferrao

      🙂

  • Shayne Dsouza

    amazing… i also remember fido dido band and jello mello.

  • Rohan T. D.

    Phantom cigarettes are fine, but otherwise stretching it a bit, don’t you think? Do you giggle when you see cashew ‘nuts’ in a store? Or turn away every time ‘licks’ a stamp?

  • Idioter

    love love loved it! 😀
    so many memories just came rushing through.

  • Yorick

    Bole mere lips, I love Uncle Chips. Remember that jingle?

  • Deep Shah

    hahaha…well researched yaar !! just had a glimpse all my childhood ! especially the ice lollies one, our school auto rickshaw driver would secretly give us those ice lollies every time while returning from school ! and we would shut up or else keep shouting .! lol those were so much simpler and good times rather than seeing kids today and the way its now ! and its actually so UNCOOL these days ! lol
    ours was a good time..i just wonder ..the times of hippies would have been so so much cooler and fun ! wat say ?

  • Virtti

    Fonda chocolate. Cadbury’s Double Decker. The brown caramel butter sweets, i think by Ravalgon. The little white sweeties with the green & pink stripe. Not to forget the striped mint hard candy, black & white ones! Ahh.. such fun!