DGCA Bitchslaps Spicejet, Rakhi Sawant Declares Her Assets And Mumbai Police Achieve Superhero Status In Mumbai This Week

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Hey Mumbai Mag-sters! How many of you got trolled on April Fool’s day? The only joke I fell for was that Kareena Kapoor had a gluten-free bun in her oven, and that too, only because she has gotten a tad ‘healthier’, as we like to say in India. In other news, the cops cracked a kidnapping case in a record 12 hours, the BEST buses decided to throw a tantrum and go on strike, and the iconic Merwan’s has pushed back downing its shutters until the end of the month.

Here’s what else went down in B-town this week.

Bye-bye discounts
Bye-bye discounts, Image courtesy – Meme Generator

DGCA Bitchslaps SpiceJet. Again.
SpiceJet, still reeling from being rapped on the knuckles by the stuffed shits shirts at the DGCA for shakin’ their booties to a mid-air rendition of Balam Pitckari on Holi, are now being picked on for the ‘Re. 1 per ticket scheme’ that they launched as an exclusive offer on April 1.

Everyone assumed it was an April fool’s day joke, but when people realised that it was as legit as Sunny Leone’s boob job, what ensued was a digital stampede that crashed the airline’s server. Some lucky people managed to score a few of the golden tickets, but not before the DGCA, also known as the ‘Grand Pooper of Parties’ decided to come in and rain all over everyone’s parade, terming SpiceJet’s move as  “predatory” and a “malpractice”.

So basically what the DGCA is trying to say, is that it isn’t enough that passengers are paying up the wazoo in airport taxes, but when airlines try to go a little easy on us and offer us cheaper fares, you term it as “predatory”?

Whatevs, DGCA. Just know that I received some tax returns in the beginning of the year that I plan to put down towards the down payment of a bullock cart. If you keep this up, I’m going to have to make cross-country trips with Charles & Eddie (my bulls).  Your move.

Die Without Bai
Die Without Bai, Image Courtesy – myindiapictures.com

Man Hits Axe On His Own Foot
No, no, this didn’t actually happen. I was just trying to directly translate the Hindi proverb ‘Apni hi pairo par kulhadi maarna’ into English here because of the fitting nature of the situation in question. A man decided to take up for his maid instead of his wife in a violent quarrel between the two women. And what did that lead to? The Family Court granting his wife a divorce on the grounds that he had ‘fillings’ for the maid. Apparently this guy put his best moves on the help while his wife was at work and they “used to watch movies in dim lights” (the wife’s words, not mine).

What was this man thinking? Clearly he didn’t consider the repercussions of his actions. Does he have any idea how hard it is to find a maid in this city??

Kitne Toilets Hai?
Kitne Toilets Hai? Image Courtesy – Mumbai Mirror & Team Mumbai Mag

Go Home Highway Police, You’re Drunk
Apparently there has been a spate of robberies on the Mumbai-Pune highway.

Meanwhile, in the Highway Police headquarters, a group of top cops are having a round-table brainstorming session over Parle-G and chai on how to effectively deal with this confounding state of affairs.

“Should we increase the amount of security vehicles that patrol the highway?” suggests one cop. “Maybe we could also have helplines that work,” offers another.

“Eh! Who needs that? I have a brilliant idea! Let’s just shut all the restaurants and stuff on the highway by 11pm so that the entire road will be desolate and lonely, like Adele’s lovelife. That will prevent people from going on spur-of-the-moment long drives in the middle of the night to eat Pav Bhaji at the Food Plaza, because guess what! There will be NO Food Plaza!”

“But sir, won’t the lack of activity on the highway that these restaurants bring, facilitate the dacoits from achieving their diabolical goals? Also what about those people who are actually using that highway to travel and not just for joyrides? Don’t you think they need rest stops?”

“Hanh, so there are two petrol stations on either side. They can use those. And they can also carry Lays chips. And 1 McDonald’s McVeggie burger from Panvel. Everybody in favour of this idea, say ‘Aye’”

“Aye”

“Aye”

“Aye”

Aye-hai.

Hail Jeejus
Hail Jeejus, Image Courtesy – Twitter.com

Rakhi Sawant Declares Her Assets
I apologise for that headline, but it was too easy. In case you didn’t know, Rakhi Sawant, or the Green Goblin, is contesting the Lok Sabha elections from the Mumbai North-West constituency and is a member of the Rashtriya Aam Party.

She declared having 96,427 in hand, Rs 39.13 lakh in fixed deposits, Rs 61.26 lakh in bonds and shares and Rs 2.12 crore in insurance and postal savings. She has also declared liabilities of Rs 2.52 crore which includes Rs 72.5 lakh in income tax dues.

When asked why she made a foray into politics, she said it was “to wake up MPs from their deep sleep and to solve problems of people as they have trust in me”.

Arre Rakhi, of course I have trust in you. I trust you to say that ‘love is like a chilli’ (mohabbat hai mirchi), I trust you to play tonsil hockey with Mika Singh, and I trust in you to pray to Jeejus that he will put someone worthy at the helm of our nation to save us from our impending doom.

So that’s about it from the most original pieces of news from Mumbai this week. Check back in next week for more madness and mayhem. Don’t forget to pack your dabba if you’re going to Pune this weekend. You’ll thank me later.

Post By Amanda Ferrao (25 Posts)

Escaped the big bad world of advertising after being held hostage for 10 years. Consecutively developed Stockholm Syndrome and guiltily tries to justify its awesomeness. Sarcasm-enthusiast. Recovering online shopping addict. Self-proclaimed crazy cat lady. Will write for shoes.

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Amanda Ferrao

Amanda Ferrao
Escaped the big bad world of advertising after being held hostage for 10 years. Consecutively developed Stockholm Syndrome and guiltily tries to justify its awesomeness. Sarcasm-enthusiast. Recovering online shopping addict. Self-proclaimed crazy cat lady. Will write for shoes.