Bhai Bhai Sallu: Top Five Alternate Professions For Salman Khan After Jai Ho

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Jai Ho Image Courtesy - www.indifilmz.com

Many of the critics and columnists who have reviewed the cinematic abomination that is ‘Jai Ho’ have been receiving death threats, verbal abuse and proverbial raps-on-the-knuckles from die-hard ‘Bhai-standers’(patent pending). At the risk of possibly waking up with a decapitated horse head in my bed, here is my two cents worth too. The way I look at it is a bit of name-calling and a few death threats never hurt anyone. What I’m really afraid of is being strapped to a chair and my brain being force-fed a torrential downpour of cinematic Bhai-ological warfare.

salman-bhagyashreeWhen he started off, Sallu was actually kind of cute. Every pubescent girl wanted to be his ‘friend’ after Maine Pyar Kiya. I mean, who could resist that floppy hair, piercing glare and chest full of peach fuzz? But over the last 25 years, the floppy hair has assumed an immovable stance on his head, the piercing glare has been replaced by ‘crazy eye’ and the peach fuzz has long since been waxed off his chest, a Bhai-product of the kind folks at Hakim Aalim.

But no one can poo-poo on an actor for ageing. An actor can be poo-pooed on however, for putting a cerebral audience through Jai Ho, which is a worse disaster than Hurricane Katrina (get it, get it?). But quite honestly, the Bhai-standers don’t seem to mind, not one bit. They will continue to exert their Bhai-polarity by detaching their cerebrum from their medulla oblongata and hooting through yet another rendition of Bhai’s ‘I might have termites in my underpants’. But in the odd chance that Sallu decides to throw in the towel, wave the white flag, stop flexing his Bhai-ceps, and take his hands out of his pants long enough to hang up his fluorescent-hued shades, here are some alternate career options he should consider.

1. Emergency Services Mechanic

Salman Khan Image Courtesy: blogs.reuters.com/
Salman Khan Image Courtesy: blogs.reuters.com/


Sunny Deol may have a ‘dhai-kilo-ka-hath’ but it ain’t no thang when juxtaposed against Bhai’s ‘pachaas-ton-ka-pair’. After all, that’s what I’m assuming it’s akin to, considering he managed to kick-start (quite literally) a sputtering ambulance to life in Jai Ho. The municipal hospitals in the city of Mumbai need people like Salman Khan. Their dilapidated ambulances can most definitely use a helpful kick or two from time to time.

2. Prostate Specialist

Salman Khan - Prostate Specialist
Prostate Specialist Image Courtesy – http://2.bp.blogspot.com/

There’s a party in Salman Khan’s pants and everyone’s invited! Chances are, Bhai must have given himself countless prostate examinations in the last couple of years. Case in point, the song ‘Dhinka Chika’ from the film ‘Ready’, where he was often seen reaching into the depths of his trousers and promising us 12 different ways of sweet, sweet lovin’ to span 12 months of the year. Classy! That dance move spawned a revolution which made Bhai-standers believe checking for crabs in public is socially-acceptable behaviour.

3. Sunglass Designer

Sunglass Designer - Image Courtesy firstpost.in
Sunglass Designer – Image Courtesy firstpost.in

Salman Khan has quite an affinity for shades. In ‘Dabangg’, he stuck them in the back of his shirt collar and in Jai Ho, he seems to have adorned his poker face with the mother-of-all-sunglasses – this baby (image). The tangerine-hued pair is reminiscent of something Kriss Kross wore in the 90s. Mac Daddy might not make ya jump-jump, but it won’t be long before Salman Khan’s ‘foresight and fashion-forwardness’ make Bhai-standers start to store their fake orange Ray-Bans from Linking Road in a variety of places – hanging from their belts, their crotches and maybe in due time, even from their ears.

4. Pigeon Whisperer

Pigeon Whisperer Image Courtesy - http://www.firstpost.com/
Pigeon Whisperer Image Courtesy – http://www.firstpost.com/


Do I even have to spell this one out? Who else do you know who can use a homing pigeon to get laid? And attack on command? The city has a pigeon problem, no doubt about it. The pesky little rodents are everywhere, dropping thermonuclear shit-bombs on vehicles and unsuspecting pedestrians. Maybe we can use Bhai’s pigeon whispering talents to guttar-guttar the little rascals into packing up their poop. Unbelievable? Believe it.

5. Foreign Relations Minister
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It’s no surprise that wherever Bhai goes, token white chicks crawl out of the woodwork. Case in point, Katrina Kaif, Elli Avram, Hazel Keech and Lulia Vantur, just to name a few. Most white girls with Bollywood dreams want to jump on the Bhai-cycle built for two. And once they do, it’s bright lights, big city! Salman Khan has great people skills that he can put to use when it comes to building foreign ‘relations’ *wink wink, nudge nudge*

So there you have it. A blow-Bhai-blow account of how the great Khan can apply the skills he acquired in reel life to real life in case he decides to quit show business. I won’t be holding my breath though. Instead, I will be concentrating my energy in constructing a nuclear bomb shelter to protect myself from the next big Bhai-blockbuster. Where will you be?
PS: A humble request to all the Bhai-standers in the house. In the words of Dolly Bindra, ‘Baap pe mat ja’.

Post By Amanda Ferrao (25 Posts)

Escaped the big bad world of advertising after being held hostage for 10 years. Consecutively developed Stockholm Syndrome and guiltily tries to justify its awesomeness. Sarcasm-enthusiast. Recovering online shopping addict. Self-proclaimed crazy cat lady. Will write for shoes.

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Amanda Ferrao

Amanda Ferrao
Escaped the big bad world of advertising after being held hostage for 10 years. Consecutively developed Stockholm Syndrome and guiltily tries to justify its awesomeness. Sarcasm-enthusiast. Recovering online shopping addict. Self-proclaimed crazy cat lady. Will write for shoes.