Readers Write: 10 Reasons Why The Vogue Fashion Night Out Made Me Want To Curl Up Into A Foetal Position Under A Cold Shower And Cry

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MumbaiMag reader Amanda Ferrao attended the Vogue Fashion Night Out event at Palladium and has this to say about her experience!

So Vogue had its first Fashion Night Out in Bombay (yes, it’s still Bombay to me) at Palladium, Phoenix Mills last evening which promised to be a “global luxury fashion extravaganza”. Now don’t get me wrong, I love fashion and shopping as much as the next girl. But nothing, NOTHING could prepare me for what I was about the witness at the FNO on September 5, 2013. Here’s why.

1238038_599370733419016_1923504856_n1. Women dressed in club wear. At the mall: Yes. This happened. In. A. Mall. A mall – 50 feet away from Big Bazaar. Bodycon dresses, Jackie O, dresses, skimpy cut out dresses. If you don’t know what any of those are, good for you. Last night should have proceeded to the soundtrack of HIMYM’s Robin Sparkles singing ‘Let’s go to the mall….Tadayy!’

2. Air kissing: I’m not sure why air kissing is acceptable behaviour in any circuit. But here were the ladies who lunch at the FNO who do not deem each other fit for physical contact of any kind. I woke up to a cold sweat last night to resonating sounds of ‘Muaaahh!’ on loop.

3. Teeter-tottering in high heels: Ok so it’s really simple right? If you’re going to walk around town like you’re an Adderall-popping zombie clown on stilts, don’t fucking wear heels! Short of lifting each leg in front of the other with both hands, in a bid to mimic the act that prehistoric man nailed centuries ago, these chicks tottered and shuffled in and out of stores.

1236896_599181410104615_805776199_n4. The ‘stars’ who visited: So you’d just be casually walking about the place, sipping on the free brewski you scored at Kiehl’s because your friend bought something there, and suddenly… you hear an unearthly but unmistakable pre-pubescent shriek that you’d imagine would come out of Edward Munch’s iconic painting. Turns out some teenager caught sight of Ayushman Khurana in tiggggghhht jinzpantz and Kangana Run-Out in all her surgically-enhanced glory. Meh.

5. If I ever hear any of this again: ‘Dahhhling’, ‘that’s fierce’, ‘so kitschy’, ‘laaaaaave what you’re wearing yaaaa’, I will hurl.

6. Cheap sparkling wine masquerading under the guise of champagne: Yeah, that’s how Zara lured us in. Was nasty. But it was free. So.

1175491_599413380081418_1176136113_n7. Posing for Pictures: Hand on hip – check. One leg bent as if run over by SUV -check. Gut sucked in – check. Butt stuck out -check. Head cocked to one side – check. Pout and make duckface like you have peanut-allergy- check. Ok so I too fell prey to taking a Polaroid at the Swarovski store with one of their necklaces, but in my defence, I was one free beer and one free ‘champagne’ down. And I didn’t have lunch. Thank you for asking.

1175018_599413326748090_530642387_n8. Bags that scared me: While browsing we came upon a clutch from a well-known designer that looked like a dead animal carcass (probably roadkill gauging from the intense flattening of the faux fur) had been painstakingly sewed onto it. Of course, it only looked like that to me. When I shared that with my friend, rather audibly I might add, I was met with disapproving stares and ‘tut-tuts’ from fashionistas ooing and aahing over said roadkill bag.

9. 12 year olds with Birkins: When I was 12, I had a steel cooking set. Clearly 12 year olds in 2013 win. And probably grow up to be high-maintenance bitches with daddy issues.

10. No. Cute. Boys. Anywhere: So you’d automatically assume that since it was Vogue’s FNO and all, which obviously would attract women from all over the city, the boys would follow suit? No. There was one candidate but according to my friends, he was dressed like the Queen’s Guard and was probably hired to hand out flyers.

The only thing that made me get out of bed in the morning was the memory of the tenderloin steak that I had for dinner at Smokehouse Deli, which was rare and bloody as hell. Awww yeah! And I know this post will be met with mortification by many of my fashion-forward friends but, you know, meh!

Will I still go to the Vogue FNO in 2014? Probably.
Will I poo-poo on it the day after? Definitely.

Photos for representational purposes only. All photos from Vogue India’s Facebook Page.

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  • Priyanka

    wow such a pretentious piece of writing. Class up mumbaimag